This week a Twitter bot posted the following: “Congratulations. You are going to be a proud parent. Your partner just got his or her sperm counted and there are only a few million of them left. So you better make the most of it. Have unprotected sex as often as possible. You and your spouse will have plenty of chances to have children. Your life will be filled with joy. Don’t forget: this is the most important week of your life. Don’t waste it on routine chores. You can always make more babies later.” The tweet was referring to the recent U.S. Supreme Court ruling which legalized gay marriage nationwide and struck down state restrictions on the nuptials.
What’s wrong with this picture? First off, the tweet is obviously sarcastic, and even more so when you consider how the author of the bot, @fertilitywarrior, follows the bio-hacking and bio-entrepreneurial communities.
More importantly, the bot’s message is flawed in many ways. First off, it suggests that the only way to become a “proud parent” is to have children. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Having children is both the result and the fulfillment of a successful marriage. It also ignores the fact that not all couples are able to have children, and for those who can’t there are options. The bottom line is this: you don’t have to have children to be a proud parent.
Is ‘Child-free’ A Choice or a Crisis?
Nowadays there is a trend of people deciding to exclude children from their families for a variety of reasons. More and more couples are choosing to be “child-free,” meaning they don’t want to have children. Is this just a fad, or is it a permanent lifestyle change for some?
In many cases it is the result of a conscious decision. Individuals have determined that they don’t want to bring children into the world and are taking steps to avoid having offspring. These people may be open to adopting, or they may decide that they would rather wait until they are in a mutually agreed-upon and committed relationship before having children.
For others, like myself, it is a crisis. I had always dreamed of having kids and suddenly I find myself in the unimaginable situation of not wanting to have children. The problem is that I have no idea what to do or where to turn for support. Will anyone understand? Will my fiancé? Will my friends? Will society?
Why Do People Say They Don’t Want Kids?
One of the primary reasons people cite for not wanting kids is that they think it will curtail their freedom. After all, you can’t be a parent if you don’t have children, right? This couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact, being a parent is the most liberating experience you will ever have. It’s amazing how many people don’t realize this until they are actually faced with the decision to become parents or not.
For instance, let’s say you and your partner have been trying to have a child for some time, but you have never gotten pregnant. One day you both decide to take a test, just to be sure. To your surprise and delight, you discover that you are both positive for the pregnancy. You are ecstatic about the news and immediately start planning the child’s life. You decide that you want the child to have a sibling who is closer in age and so you decide to try for a little brother or sister. You both realize this is something you want and have been dreaming about and so you set out to make it happen.
What happens next is nothing short of miraculous. Within a few short weeks your womb begins to react to the baby’s genes and you are able to get pregnant. Even more amazing is that you did not have to undergo any kind of medical procedure to get there. Your body did it all by itself. This is what it means to be a “natural” mother. You had no prior experience, but your body knew what to do. In fact, many women report that once they give birth they feel a sense of calm and relaxation they have never known.
Once you become a parent you will never be free of responsibility, but you will also discover that you have many more responsibilities. You will have to decide what is important to you and what you can live without. For some, that might mean choosing to forgo certain luxuries in favor of spending more time with their child. For others, it might mean choosing to save a certain amount of money each month so they can provide the child with better things when they are older. Whatever it is, the key is to decide what is important to you and what you can live without. Then, when you make this decision everything else will fall into place, including your ovulation.
Is It Difficult to Not Want Kids?
Another reason people cite for not wanting kids is that they think it will be difficult to live without children. This couldn’t be farther from the truth. In fact, once you make the decision not to have children it becomes very easy to adjust your life to suit your new needs. You will no longer require the companionship of others, nor will you feel the need to occupy your time with meaningless activities. You will learn to appreciate the little things in life, like walking, playing with your dog or watching the sunset.
You may not want kids and you may decide that you are perfectly happy being child-free. However, you should still be prepared for the possibility that others might not agree. There are a lot of people out there who want what you want, but for some reason they can’t seem to express it. In some cases this may be because they feel ashamed or intimidated by society. In other cases, there may be a physiological reason prohibiting them from having children. Whatever the reason is, they might not be able to help but feel excluded and ashamed, especially if you are upfront about not wanting kids. This is why it is important to be honest about your decision and open to everyone you come across, especially since you can never be sure who might turn out to be your friend or your brother or sister. It is always good to be upfront and honest about your situation, because in the end, that is what will make you truly happy.
Is Anyone Able to Change Their Mind?
Sometimes individuals find themselves in a situation where they have made a decision but still harbor doubts about it. These are the people the makers of the above-mentioned Twitter bot probably had in mind when they wrote their message. Although it is impossible to change your mind about having children, you still have the option of having kids or not having kids. If you decide you want children, there are several options available to you, including adoption. If you decide you don’t want kids, there are several options available to you, as well. For instance, you could use contraception to regulate your menstrual cycles so you don’t get pregnant, or you could use a tubal ligation to prevent the fertilization of your eggs.
If you decide you don’t want kids, but you still feel guilty, you should know there are several programs designed to help people in your situation. ThinkProgress, a news website run by the non-partisan left-leaning Center for American Progress, has an excellent resource guide for parents-to-be who don’t want children and vice versa. The guide includes information on how to deal with friends and family who object to your decision and information on how to get through the process without giving away too much information. Concealment is key, because if others find out you do not want to have children they might label you as “shameful” or “disgusting.” It is also recommended that you do not tell anyone you are on the verge of becoming a parent, because this might jeopardize your chances of concealing the pregnancy. This is why it is best to find a way to prevent others from finding out you are pregnant, until you are certain your partner will agree to be the father of your child. In some cases a woman’s body may have a physical reaction to the hormones associated with pregnancy, making it impossible for her to conceal the fact that she is pregnant unless she chooses to do so. In this case, she is better off not taking the risk of concealing the pregnancy and opting for an abortion.