You’re in the pharmacy, walking down the isle, when you notice a label on one of the pills that catches your eye. The pill has a picture of a man and a woman on it, but you don’t remember seeing those pictures before when you were shopping for the item.
You ask the pharmacist, “What’s this pill for?”
The pharmacist replies, “Oh, that’s Viagra.”
You say, “No, it’s not. It’s got a man and a woman on it.”
The pharmacist says, “No, that was the old formula. We just rebranded it. Now it’s called Oxycodone.”
You say, “Well, I’m pretty sure it was Viagra I asked for.”
The pharmacist says, “Viagra is often combined with Oxycodone, but you didn’t ask for that combination.”
You say, “Well, what *was* I asked for then?”
The pharmacist replies, “You asked for six opioid pills, but we only have five in stock. So we had to combine them into two pills. Is that okay?”
You say, “Well, no. Send me the two pills you have and I’ll take them.”
The pharmacist says, “Are you sure? Because we only have one left and it’s a controlled substance.”
You say, “No, send me the pill.”
The pharmacist replies, “Well, okay.”
So you start taking the pill and eventually have sex with your doctor’s partner, Pamela Anderson. Several months later, you notice that your hair is falling out and you’re finding it difficult to make love to your partner, so you go back to the doctor’s office for another round of antibiotics. While you’re there, the doctor notices that your cholesterol levels are through the roof and suggests that you cut back on the pork.
Fast forward several months. You’re sitting in your kitchen, drinking a glass of milk when you notice a pill underneath the fridge. You look at the pill and say to yourself, “Oh hey, it’s that time of the month again.” You go into your bathroom, take out the cardboard box that contains all your medications, and find the pill inside. You start taking it and eventually have sex with your cowgirl partner, Annie Lennox.
Later that day, you stumble upon a TED talk online and decide to listen to it. While listening, you find yourself hunching over due to extreme fatigue and take a nap.When you wake up, you realize that you’re no longer hunched over and feel completely refreshed. You look at your wrist and notice that the watch that you normally wear has stopped working, so you decide to get a new one. While at the mall, you see a woman with four children walking by. You tell the cashier that you’re on vacation and ask if you could give her a discount. She replies, “Of course, honey. How many days are you vacationing?”
You tell her, “Five entire days.”
She gives you a discount and you spend the rest of the afternoon trying to convince yourself that this is indeed a vacation and not a short-term stress leave.
That night, you have sex with your camera man, David Beckham. A few weeks later, you’re driving down the highway when you see flashing lights in your rear-view mirror. You turn off the road and find an Australian cop pulling you over. The cop asks you for your license and registration, and you tell him that you don’t have your license on you but would have to go back to get it. He says, “It’s okay. Just give me your name and contact info so that I can let you know when your license comes in.” You give him your name and contact info and drive off, thinking to yourself, “I really should have my license on me.” Two days later, when you go to renew your vehicle registration, the clerk asks how many miles you had on the car when you filed the paperwork. You tell him and he says, “Sir, you filed the paperwork on a vintage Cadillac. I don’t know if you’ve heard of COVID guidelines, but they’ve suspended the registration on old cars.”
You say, “Well, I’ve never heard of COVID guidelines, but I’ve always felt like an old car was a part of me and my history, like my grandma’s old Packard or my great-grandma’s old Phaeton, so I was just going with it.”
The clerk replies, “Well, I understand if you’re passionate about that car, but you have to comply. You’ll have to take the car off the road for a while until they decide what to do with it.”
You say, “Well, that’s ridiculous! I bought that car for my wife who’s dying of cancer. I’ve been driving that car every day to chemotherapy sessions since she was first diagnosed. That car is my life.”
The clerk says, “I’m sorry, but I can’t help you.” He then calls an ambulance because he feels that you’re suffering from COVID-19 and tries to stop you from reaching the hospital. The EMTs arrive and take you to the ambulance, where they strap you in and you tell them that you’re an asthmatic and have a severe fear of needles, so they have to give you a shot of adrenaline to be able to breathe. The driver asks you why you don’t have your license, and you tell him that you don’t feel safe driving with it because you feel like you might lose control and hurt someone. “Like maybe even kill someone,” you say. “So I decided to just put the driving on hold until I get my license back.” The driver nods and says, “I understand. It’s a shame that asthma is affecting your cognitive function to that extent. Give it a few days and I’m sure you’ll feel better.”
You tell the paramedics that you have a history of heart disease and they say that you’re going to the hospital in any case, so they only give you a mild sedative to help you relax.
You’re in the emergency room and the doctor comes in and asks you how you’re doing. You tell him that you’ve been better and that you just want to go home. He replies, “I’m sorry, but you’re gonna have to stay here for a few days.” You tell him that you already had a heart attack once, that you’re scared of hospitals, and that you don’t want to go through that again. He nods and says, “I hear what you’re saying. We’ll try to make this as comfortable as possible. Let’s get you some better-fitting clothes and take care of your wife, okay? She’ll be happy to hear that you’re finally here.” He then calls your wife to tell her that you’re okay and that she doesn’t need to come in and see you for a while. You ask the doctor for a painkiller and he gives you oxycodone with a smile.
You ask him, “Is that safe for people with heart disease?”
He says, “Well, we don’t know how long you’re going to be here. It depends on how you’re doing.”
You tell him that you have a bad allergy to opiates and he gives you a different pill, this time with aspirin in it. Several minutes later, you have another allergic reaction and the doctor opens up a tube of epinephrine to help you breathe. A nurse comes in to help and they give you a shot in the arm. A few minutes after the shot, you feel a tingling sensation and the doctor tells you that it’s going to start working right away.
You ask if that’s going to hurt and he says, “No, it’s going to feel like you’ve been surfing all night with a jet ski.”
You tell him that you have a feeling that you’re going to get surfers’ ear and he laughs and tells you that that’s exactly what it is. You laugh too but then realize that it’s not really funny and that you’re in a hospital, so you stop laughing.
The next day, you ask the doctor for a pen to take a note on the oxygen flow rate for your tank and he gives you a fountain pen.
You tell him that it’s been a while since you wrote anything and he gives you a pad of paper and says, “Oh, I know what you mean. I’ve been too busy to write anything. But it’s coming back to me now, as we speak. So write away.”