Aunt Viagra is one of the most unusual characters in literary history. She is not your typical “sweet old lady” and she certainly isn’t your average female relative. In fact, she probably doesn’t even qualify as human — she’s more like a cross between a computer virus and a monster from Scooby Doo. But her resemblance to the famous Viagra drug probably isn’t a coincidence; after all, her specialty is heart conditions. Now, before you start worrying about your own heart, let’s take a quick look at Aunt Viagra, shall we?
Not Your Typical “Sweet Old Lady”
We’re used to thinking of old ladies as the definition of “sweet,” but Aunt Viagra is the opposite of “sweet.” In fact, she’s quite the opposite of almost everything we associate with an old lady. According to her, “old is ugly” and “sweetness is disgustingly commonplace.” So, it probably comes as no surprise that she initially sought out her late uncle’s medical practice in hopes of finding out what was wrong with him.
She was initially rebuffed by the doctors at the practice, but they didn’t realize who they were speaking with. After all, this was no ordinary old lady; this was the niece of Sigmund Freud, the legendary psychiatrist and founder of psychoanalysis. So when they heard her identity, the doctors quickly changed their tune and agreed to examine her uncle. Unfortunately for the doctors, his health was worse than they had originally thought, and he died shortly after Aunt Viagra’s visit. She wasn’t exactly sure what she accomplished by visiting her uncle — at least, not in the way that the doctors intended — but she did know that she was closer to discovering the root of his problem than she had ever been before. And that, she realized, was more important than anything else.
A Bloody Marriage
Because of her intense interest in her uncle’s death, Aunt Viagra did not start dating until well into her forties. She had initially been married to a man named Hugo for thirteen years before his untimely death from a heart attack. Ever since then, she’s stuck with her friends, the Moondogs, who accompany her to bars, clubs, and concerts to help her forget her loss. The group’s name comes from a misheard line in the Woody Allen film, Sleigh Ride: “Do the Moonwalk.” Apparently, a lot of people think that the film’s protagonist, played by Allen, yells “moonwalk” after his car crashes into a tree, when, in fact, he yells “moonshining.” Perhaps it’s best if we don’t speak of the Moondogs in mixed company.
Aunt Viagra’s choice in men appears to be entirely based on their heart condition. Like many other women her age, she grew up with a fear of heart disease — largely due to her mother’s frequent hospitalizations for heart ailments (angina and heart attacks). Because of this, Aunt Viagra has always been highly health conscious and is a vegan. She strictly limits the amount of meat that she eats and rarely drinks alcohol. Like many other older women her age, Aunt Viagra also uses anti-wrinkle cream and sleeping pills to help her get through the night. And, like other women her age, she uses moisturizer and sunscreen to stay young-looking.
So, you may be wondering, does Aunt Viagra have a heart condition? Well, that depends on which heart condition you’re talking about. She is, in fact, a carrier of hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, which is a heart condition that causes the walls of the heart to thicken and inhibit normal blood flow. The condition usually sets in at a young age and, unless the sufferer gets a transplant or takes medication to thin out the heart, generally leads to heart failure. Because of this, it is not uncommon for people with hypertrophic cardiomyopathy to experience a heart attack or stroke during their lifetimes. However, even though she has this medical condition, she has never actually had to take medication for it. Instead, she has learned to manage the symptoms with diet and exercise. Unfortunately, although she tries her best to stay healthy, the condition prevents her from doing many of the things that she enjoys in life. She can’t walk, run, or bike without experiencing extreme shortness of breath, and she has to be extremely careful about the food that she eats.
The Computer Virus From Hell
After her uncle’s death, Aunt Viagra decided that she needed a change of pace from the dull, sedentary lifestyle that she led after her husband’s death. So, she decided to enter the information technology (IT) field and try to find a job in that area. She took a job at a firm in Japan and worked her way up to a management position. While working in Japan, she contracted a strain of the norovirus that is commonly known as the “winter vomiting bug.” Unlike most other viruses, the norovirus can live and replicate in the cold. Because of this, it has a tendency to spread rapidly and efficiently during the winter months. While working in Japan, she experienced headaches, fatigue, and some intestinal discomfort that was later diagnosed as being related to the norovirus. But she continued to push through and got back on track eventually.
However, instead of continuing to improve her Japanese, Aunt Viagra decided to take a short break from work and decided to visit her sister in Australia. While there, she got a call from her old friend, Larry, who invited her to join his investment club. She had previously invested in property with Larry, so she agreed to meet with him and his partners to discuss the possibility of investing in some new real estate projects that they were promoting. She joined the group and began meeting with them regularly — mostly in the hope that they would listen and agree to invest in one of their projects, but also because she enjoyed their company. Even though she was in her mid-forties at the time, Larry and his partners seemed to think that she was their little sister and treated her as such. They called her “Aunt Viv” and made fun of her Japanese pronunciation and even made up a nickname for her: “Watashi” (“My little sister”). When they would make fun of her, she would just laugh it off and remind them that she was, in fact, their uncle’s niece. They would then apologize and stop teasing her.
At some point, Larry and his partners decided to take a more personal interest in Aunt Viagra’s well-being and decided that a vacation would do her some good. So, they booked a cruise for her and had her rest and relax on the high seas. They even brought her favorite foods and drinks on board to make her feel more like herself again. The cruise was quite pleasant and, for a while, she forgot about her responsibilities back in Japan. But after a while, she grew restless and wanted to get back to work. So, she asked her friends back in Japan to let her know when the cruise was ending so that she could get a flight home — the last leg of which was delayed due to bad weather. Unfortunately, during this time on deck, Aunt Viagra suffered a stroke. She was taken off the boat and flown to a nearby hospital, where she underwent treatment for about a week before being released. When she recovered from the stroke, she found that she was paralyzed on her left side and couldn’t speak or move her head. Because of this, she assumed that her uncle had done this to her on purpose — because, as he always said, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.”
Aunt Viagra later tried to explain to her shocked and devastated family that she did not mean to hurt them on purpose. But, even though she was very ill at the time, she still harbored ill will toward her uncle and blamed him for her current condition. Eventually, she was able to speak again and, because of her medical history, was able to secure a good deal on life insurance. She also took out a small life insurance policy as a form of collateral, in case anything happened to her. She called this her “death cushion.” After all, even though she has this medical condition, she still gets scared that she will suddenly collapse and die before her family and friends. So she takes out small life insurance policies in case anything happens to her.. At least, that’s how she sees it.