You’re in Paris, and you meet a French man at a bar. You make small talk, and the bartender serves your drink. You drink it, and it goes down smoothly. Suddenly, the man next to you leans over and says, “Excuse me, but I have a question for you.”
“Go ahead,” you reply. “What is it?”
“Well, I’ve heard that you are the greatest sexologist in the world. Can you tell me how to make Viagra wear off? I’m trying to satisfy my wife, but she keeps on insisting that our love-making sessions reach an eternity.”
You’re taken aback by the question, then you realize this is no ordinary Frenchman. You laugh, excuse yourself from the table, and make your exit.
You think about it for a minute and then smile. “I don’t know how to make Viagra wear off,” you reply. “But I do know how to permanently solve your problem.”
Take It Easy
You tell the bartender you’ll be back in a minute and make your way to the hotel room. You shower, get dressed, and go down to the bar. You order a whiskey, and it comes quickly. You look around to make sure no one is coming, then you take a sip. “What is this?” you ask. The bartender shrugs. “What is it?” you repeat, and he says, “It’s whiskey.” You laugh and take another sip.
You sit and have a drink with the bartender while you think about what the French man said to you. Suddenly, the hotel room phone rings. You grab it, and it’s your wife, Carol. “You’re back!” she cries. “Let’s get dinner, and then we’ll go to a movie and have sex,” she suggests. You respond by kissing her and saying, “I can’t. I’m with another woman.” You tell her you’re with Kate, and she starts shouting, “I don’t want to talk to her. I want to talk to you!” You put the receiver down and turn to the bartender. “I have to go,” you say. “Can I visit you tomorrow?” He nods, and you make your way to the door. “Don’t forget about the whiskey,” he says, and you laugh as you walk out.
The next day, you get up early and go to the bar. You order a drink, and it comes quickly. You look at the menu, and the bartender comes over and asks if you’re okay. You say you’re fine, but you don’t feel fine. You tell him you need an alcoholic beverage, and he brings you a beer. You drink it, and it feels warm going down. You get another beer, and it feels cold going down. You realize you’re starting to feel strange.
You call your wife, and she doesn’t answer. You leave a message, and she calls you back right away. You tell her you’re taking the TRX500, and she says, “The TRX500? Are you sure that’s safe?” You say it is, and she suggests you see a doctor. You ask if she ever heard of Sustiva, and she shakes her head. “It’s a brand-new drug,” you tell her. “It’s called kamagra.”
It’s Not What You Think
You call the doctor, and he prescribes you Sustiva. You go home, and your wife hands you a note with Carol’s name and cell phone number on it. You call her, and she invites you to dinner tomorrow night at her house. You go, and as you’re walking up the porch steps, she opens the door and hugs you. “I’m so glad you’re here,” she says. You respond by kissing her, then you sit down for the food she’s cooking. It smells delicious, and you make polite conversation while you eat. Suddenly, she stands up, taking your plate with her. “I’m going to get some ice cream,” she says, and you watch her head to the kitchen. You look at the food, and it smells even better than before. You’re feeling hungry, but you know it’s not the food that’s making you feel this way. The warmth from your wife’s hug is, and you know you have to leave soon.
You call the doctor, and he prescribes you a different medication, Xanax. You take it easy for a while, then you get anxious. You ask the doctor for more Xanax, and he complies. Suddenly, your thoughts start to race. You feel dizzy, and you wonder if you’re going to pass out. You dry-retch, and you feel like you’re going to throw up. You have a nightmare, and you wake up drenched in sweat. You call the doctor, and he prescribes you a muscle relaxant.
It’s Always Something
The next day, you get up, and while drinking your coffee, you look out the window. You feel fine, but you have a headache. You wonder if you should take an aspirin or lie down. It’ll go away, you think, as you get ready for work. You look in the mirror, and you notice your cheeks look a little pale. You feel like you’ve been sleeping all night, but you couldn’t have. It doesn’t feel right, so you go down to the cafeteria and get a vitamin IV. You sit down at your desk, and it takes a bit to get the hang of using the mouse again. You open your email, and there are a series of attachments, all labeled “urgent.” You open the first one, and it’s an invoice from a hospital. You open the next one, and it’s a medical report about a woman who committed suicide. Her name is Jill Hamilton, and you read about the situation in horror. Suddenly, your head starts to hurt, and you wonder if you should go to the hospital.
The Best Mix
You get to the hospital, and the doctor comes out to see you. He introduces himself, and you tell him about the Xanax and muscle relaxant. He nods and writes you a prescription for Ambien. You tell him you have a headache, and he writes you a prescription for some ibuprofen. You ask about the Sustiva, and he says it’s a form of Viagra. He gives you the contact information for the prescribing doctor. You thank him and leave, then you take the pills and head home. You feel better than you have in a long time, like you’re waking from a long sleep. You call your wife, and she invites you over. You drive to her house, and she opens the door and hugs you. “I was so worried about you,” she says. You tell her you’re feeling much better and ask about the medication. “The doctor said it was the best mix,” she says. “Ambien for the sleep, and Sustiva for the low libido.” You ask if the Ambien is making her drowsy. “It’s helping with the sleep, but it’s also making me docile,” she replies. “I keep waking up thinking it’s time for me to get up and do something, then I just zone out for a couple of hours until I have to do it all over again.” You smile and tell her that sounds like a great combination, and you head upstairs to take a shower. You get out of the shower, towel off, and get dressed. You go downstairs, and your wife gives you a sensual kiss. “Let me get you a drink before we eat,” she says. You tell her you’re okay, but you really need to eat. You sit down at the table, and she puts a bottle of red wine in front of you. You pour it, and it smells wonderful. She serves a delicious meal, and you help her clean the kitchen. Afterward, you walk her to her door. She gives you a peck on the cheek, and you say good night. You go inside, and you watch her through the window as she locks the door behind her.